Just a bit sad

The sadness, the tears, the emotions do not come at set times. There is no schedule.

I can feel fine all day and it might catch me in the evening or the morning or at 3am.

It was like this today. I have been working over the past few days on THE significant blog for me.

This blog will be the one where I am out of theatre into intensive care and then the understanding of the life changing nature of the surgery I have had, onto a ward, accepting it and starting physio … like the real bones of my story and then all will make sense.

The is going to be the blog to launch my blog that I will share on Facebook and LinkedIn and with friends and colleagues with a link and some encouragement regarding blood donation that I am quietly building a plan around. I am excited about it, not stressed. I want to give a complete by picture to every one about what is going over here both mentally and physically. And I feel like it helps me.

But not today. Last night I woke up in the night in so much pain, not unusual for me, but this genuinely felt like I had just been wheeled back in from Surgery type pain. I was unable to move and in agony. I cried to the nurses that I don’t remember anything why did they operate again? They were confused, I was confused, the doctor gave me something strong I drank tea and calmed down. Later it became clear a) I had not had surgery b) my pain was muscle pain from walking all the way to the lifts and back and the more mobile I am getting each day plus regular old pains.

So it was a big/odd night so I decided to take a day off from the blog and try something else (it is 3am now so I did technically take the day.)

Now I had the choice of 3 things.

• Adult colouring book from Dawny
• Activity book from Claudia
• Or the Ultimate Harry Potter colouring book from Lana

I ruled out the two colouring books immediately and actually sent them home with mum today. There is no practical space to colour that level of detail and that Harry Potter one has me super excited.🥰 But I sent it home, that will need concentration that I certainly do not have!

So after colouring and mini naps and visits. I was tired but also so very sad.

Every day there is the sadness, not all consuming sadness all day, but more it comes in waves. For example, I am sat on the ward talking to the other ladies (latest parolee Alison making everyone laugh with her antics before discharge – get well soon! 😘.)

And in the next second that is it. The world crashes around me. From a moment of relative normality to rock bottom in a split second.

Everyone is so lovely to me, every bloody time and that makes me feel terrible. No one is here to party. Everyone is having a shit time and they have to deal with a crying girl on top of that. But everyone is picking up my story in bits, how long I have been here and how much has happened, unplanned and unprepared on my side in that time and are just so kind as I disrupt those quiet moments!

In relative normal feeling moments, this all feels temporary, I can cope … 💪 I am all over the wound care and keeping the nurses to task with ‘but she said never to do that ’ and ‘the other nurse specifically said to do this way because of X’ they must hate me! But that wound healing is my only way out of this hospital time loop that I am stuck in and keeps me out of theatre so I will continue to pipe up 🙃 I am also in a position now where I am pretty fascinated by the stoma, the whole working of it and checking to see if there are any ways to make stoma smart and connect it to Alexa. And above everything else. The Stoma should/will be reversible.

“Some times this lady’s fork s mmmmllkkds“ I am leaving this as this is the result of me falling asleep whilst “roixhindnhhxhhyž” holding my phone 😆

Now in the crash. None of that matters. Just pure darkness and despair. No logic is allowed, just hysteria, the more the better! I will be honest the deeper I go into the despair, the better I feel. The absolute unfiltered, unashamed crying feels good for my soul. It is a release that no other activity, talking, blogging, colouring has been able to offer.

I have accepted from the moment i woke up with a mutilated stomach and a surprise stoma that I am going to need some help. Lucky for me, I have the strongest double act of all time in my corner and if anyone can help me get the help that I need in addition to the two of them and my incredible network, it will be my Mum and Dad.

Niffllff xx