Death is everywhere …

Each night, alone in the dark surrounded by fear, pain and emptiness, my brain flitted off to two popular locations –

1) Is this it, is this the night that I die?

Is this the HOW? My stomach will explode or whatever the hell it is doing? Will it be my Mum or Dad who finds me dead? Probably Mum, she gets up before Dad does. Will it be clean or is there a service to help them ‘tidy’ me up?

One night, I wrote out all of my finances, where my money is, what savings I have, my pension pots, death in service details for work, paydays, commission structure, what I owed on my car, requested a settlement figure to pay off the car, wrote down passwords and instructions for where all of my money should go/be spent, no excessive funerals/churches, split X between my nibblings J and M when they each reach 25 years old etc … I felt like I was dying and I could see myself getting skinnier and sicker looking by the day but I was told to watch what I was eating (nothing I kept telling them as it hurt too much) and take IBS medication and paracetamol 💊

2) Is this my life now and forever? and if that is the case, do I want it?