Update – 11th August ☀️

Monday

I was so bored … no one came round, nothing to do, I potter from seat to seat trying to find somewhere to comfortably wait until …something. I go online and look for the ‘thing’ my do at home thing that’s going to occupy my brain. ‘Make your own soaps’ … no. I did all the time killing exercises in lockdown 2020. This does not enthuse me at all.

Nowhere is comfortable. I try and shake the grump and pick up the book I have not opened since May.

I take 20 minutes to find the page I was on and by then I don’t care anymore. Book back down.

Decide to nap.

Wake up grumpy.

Eat.

Nap.

Repeat.

Go to bed. Uncomfortable. Restless.

Tuesday

Wake in okish mood. My sister Louise was supposed to have my baby niece for the morning but plans change so Lisa pops Millie round for Mum and Dad to look after while she takes Jaxon swimming.

I am able to walk around further everyday but the no lifting rule is still in place. So Lisa arrives on the driveway and they unload 7 month old Millie, who takes more with her for a couple of hours than I do for a week away, I stand feeling like a spoon as I cannot help 🥄 just stand and watch. I stand chatting to Jaxon about his life plans while they finish up, wish him all the best with the swimming and promise to come another time.

My operation scar is still open … there remains an open hole in my stomach 🤣 much smaller, yes, but still an open wound – That is no lifting of anything for 2 months (not even the kettle) until I see Mr Sagar again in September.

And then the stoma, that is a solid never lift more than 10kg for fear of hernia. I don’t know what 10kg is but I feel like I am unlikely to lift it.

So in Millie Moo comes, most beautiful little lady in all the land … not being able to hold her really bothers me. She is a wriggle bum and will be off someplace and I will be unable to lift her, I can just block 😂 With that, she can’t even be left alone with me for a moment ☹️

I am no help ☹️

By the time Lisa and Jaxon come back I am feeling a bit dramatic but pretend not to be, we have lunch in the garden, all seems outwardly normal but it’s not. I can’t play with the kid or go on the swings or any of the silly things that I would usually do with the babies ☹️ I can only sit uncomfortably and watch.

I try to explain this to Lisa without sounding like a complete whiney dickhead but I am considering coming off of social media because it is giving me absolute FOMO – especially the beach photos OMG!!… 🤬 I have been trying to get to the beach with the pooch since I have had her and not managed it yet, so this particularly is making me irrationally mad!

I mean … COULD EVERYONE STOP HAVING FUN AND POSTING ABOUT IT, IT IS MAKING ME JEALOUS! 🛑✋ is it really that hard? 🤷‍♀️

I continue my moan at Lisa … be careful when you ask ‘How are you’ because I might just answer …

I feel like everyone is fed up with me. My mood is so unpredictable, I can be up and then down within 30 seconds, it can change so fast! I can’t even lift the kettle to make tea … so I have to wait until someone is making one, if I want a cigarette out of the freezer and there is something on top I have to ask … so bloody frustrating! And running around after me must be getting old! Mum and Dad have been on duty since mid May when I was sofa bound before hospital times began. They are tired and we can all see that. This just frustrates me further!

The plan is, when ‘this’ is over, when I have recovered enough to do the stuff, to go to a cottage or chalet or caravan or something by a beach that Cassie dog can enjoy and spend a week, me, the dog and the parents just have a week off from the world somewhere pretty by the sea.

Lisa agrees that I need to get out of the house 😂 and agrees to take me on an adventure next week to a park with a car park near a coffee shop so that Jaxon can play, I can try to shake the cabin fever and Mum and Dad can have a break from me!!

And to wrap up the day, my final depression point, Louise messages me, we are supposed to go to Harry Potter Studio tour next week … This has been my Christmas present numerous times over the years, from various people and it has never worked out – I am a Harry Potter geek and I have never been to the Studio Tour down the road from my house!

So once again, my Hogwarts letter does not arrive ☹️🦉

I try for ages to get comfortable on the sofa before giving in and going to bed.

Here is the shocker …

I went to bed …

And I slept!

I slept hard!

Woke up the next day massively less grumpy! 🥰

Wednesday

Setting an alarm in the night to get up and empty my stoma is 100% allowing me to relax, get some sleep and wake up, feeling ok … almost refreshed … it is an odd feeling.

I am also crazy brave and am sleeping in my side which is so much more comfortable both as that is my norm and secondly it takes the pressure off of my coccyx … I have a literal pain in the arse where I am too skinny and am sitting on bone rather than fat 🤮 Yuck! Drs orders – eat KFC and Maccys Milkshakes! 🍗🥤

It is so lucky I am not driving yet and I am talked out of ordering by delivery charges 🤣 Someone will need to give me the nod when I need to stop eating all the things!

I inhale the mornings medication 💊 then head downstairs …

I decide to go nuts and order breakfast for delivery, 20 mins later Just Eat is at the door with a Greggs breakfast 🥰 OH HAPPY DAY! (Get the calories in, Drs orders.)

Today the girls from work are coming round and I look rough! My hair is ‘less than ideal’ it is so thin, the colour is not the dream but I must moisturise and try not to piss of the hair that has hung around after the great hair walk out! My eyebrows are blonde and non existent along with my eyelashes, my skin is dry and flakey and then my clothes … My clothes are either too big, are uncomfortable with a stoma (trousers uncomfortable feeling and tops to short so make me feel uncomfortable) or I simply cannot get to them as all of my office stuff has been moved out of the spare room and in front of my wardrobes to make a space for me to sleep.

I am once again grumpy – I want to feel nice, I want to feel normal for a moment! I throw some make up at the situation and Mum helps me with my hair, I spot a pair of denim shorts that were too big before this saga began, they are perfect – big enough not to annoy my stoma or my stomach wound and a long vest too. The shorts make me very happy … after a couple of hours the shorts have to go but still 🤣

My tangent about work and how easy they have all made this whole situation for me is a post all on its own but I am very lucky to call my colleagues friends 🥰 They are a very good bunch of eggs and it is very lovely to see themselves.

I was very pleased that one person vaped and one person smoked and it did not bother me at all, I tell mum to stop being quite so considerate, she is getting right out of my way so I can’t see/smell it but actually I do need to be able to see/smell and ignore it and be able to cope otherwise I will fail immediately in the real world!

After saying goodbye to the girls, I look aimlessly around trying to make a plan for my next move. Food. Food is always the next move.

From food, I just relax a while, I don’t sleep, just relax. As much as visitors are lovely, they are also tiring and I always feel snoozy when they go – tbf go back a few weeks and I would have a super snooze while on the phone to someone, tell tale sign was ‘uh huh, mmm, zzzz’ and then you hear me rearrange myself to be in a less sleep ready position 🤣

You may have noticed, I am a ginger person so generally remain in shaded areas, as it is now 15:30 ish, I deem it safe to venture back out. Mother helps me with the foot spa and sets me up in the egg chair with my book 🥰

Siting in the garden, using #Crohns on Instagram while my book stays unread has taught me more than any doctor … I have yet to see a doctor so all I have is Instagram 😂 Especially since I abandoned the recommended Facebook group after a couple of days of depressing content … I understand people will post what they need to post, some days I can be negative – half of this post is negative – but generally there is light and shade, there cannot be just either!

I spent the afternoon looking at sample stoma kit from such as Pelican Health Care (first sample did not fit 😬) that would tick all the boxes I need in my life – it is amazing how when you go down that rabbit hole how many options there are and how there is a solution to every problem!!!

I end my day with a ‘cigarette’ in the garden minus the ice lolly this time, just 10 minutes looking at the stars ⭐️ … I am going to have to find a better way for the winter ❄️