My Mental Health

After Wednesday nights shock horror of the hair situ ‘Hair today, gone tomorrow’, I have added an image for anyone who was not aware of the fabulous hair vibes delivered by miss cousin Kerry. Girl went to Hogwarts, and earnt too NEWTS in Hairology. 🪄🧙‍♀️

Now I can acknowledge both photos, in the same way that I watch any make up or skin care advert on tv – swap them over and it would be an excellent advert for my Christmas cracker crown.

😂 The state of me before but then this purple crown comes along and fixed everything, like there is no hair, make up or wine involved. 37/82 people agreed that the purple crown made their eyes bluer or something … 😂

Total waffle but made me giggle 👆

At around about the same time Cousin Professor Kerry of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry sends me the below message 👇

Spot on, completely correct. I have now written it down, taken a moment to cry and now I need to find my way forwards, but I am also putting my hand up and saying, actually I need some help and acknowledging that my family could use some guidance in navigating from a support network perspective.

After a very honest discussion with lovely Nurse Nora on Thursday about everything, my diagnosis, my stomach, my future, my hair … everything we both agreed that a referral to the Mental Health team would be in my best interest. Nora spoke to the Doctor who will set the wheels in motion …

Thank you Nora! It feels like a huge relief. While I have been in hospital I have had specialists advising me on pain management, physio etc … it seems logical to me while I feel like this to have the same support when it comes to my mind and how I am feeling about it all as this will be key to getting back to me.

A mix of this and the meaningful home talk meant that I actually slept until 8am for the first time since I have been here! The home talk has visibly relaxed me and I no longer feel as though I am drowning in a never ending sentence again.

However the below topics still remain for me to process, hopefully with help. stay in my head … mmmmmmwburninnwiestioonmdnen welcome to Maurice time for a break 😂 Don’t Maurice and type 🧞‍♂️

• I said on day one that I am going to need some help navigating this situation.
• I openly admit that I suffer with Anxiety
• I have been highly emotional since surgery number 1 from general sad, to hysterically crying into Georgie Porgie
• I have a stoma where I used to not have a stoma
• I am missing a chunk of bowel I am sure I had when I came in
• My hair looks like I have been cartoon electrocuted
• I am being told I have a Chronic Illness but no one has more than briefly spoken to me about what that means for me … apparently the consultant will arrange an appointment with me when I got home 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
• I have been rocking a hospital bed for about 6 weeks 📻
• I have a sore in my back
• I have not been out of this ward, except on a bed to CT or X-Ray… Does fresh air still exist?
• People keep coming to the ward, post surgery keep being nice to me and then getting discharged to go home.

Anyway as part of acknowledging that the ward and is not a good place for my mental health, I am currently in a side room as I am ImmunoCompromised and honestly in some ways that is better and others it is worse 🤷‍♀️ The nurses have suspended visiting hours rules for me which means I am no longer restricted to 14:00 – 20:00 for visitors, when I feel like I want/ need someone with me they can just come up and sit with me. This has been helpful when I have been hitting the lows.

This morning my lovely Lana face came with breakfast. I am tucked in a side room so it really is no bother to anyone else what time she comes or goes. So to sit chatting about everything and nothing, super important, not important, stupid meaningless, life changing stuff with a friend over brekkie felt like the most bestest thing in the world to me. All that could have made it better ☀️🍹 …

And of course she did not come empty handed but brought along the subway breakfast that I told her would change her life 😂❤️

Laughter really is the worlds best medicine. I have been so lucky to have such a strong network of people around me and in someways surprised by some of the people who voluntarily stepped up and joined that network. No pressure, no obligation to reach out to me but became a huge lifeline to me all of the way through.

Humans are funny things aren’t they.

Which ties into my ‘Thank you Cards’ post really. I am actively trying to set the narrative in my brain around this whole situation. My default is negative, why me, when will I be able to do X or look at all I have missed out on … tbf understandable place to be but also not sustainable for me. I don’t need the dark to overwhelm me, I need to keep searching for the light. 💡

Again hence my ‘Thank you Cards’ 👆 people reaching out a hand and supporting you in your worst moment … damn that is powerful and hopefully just as powerful is having a heartfelt thank you for doing that. Kelly B and Kelly P – my heart goes to you both when I say my god it meant so much and yes Kelly(s), I am talking to you! Well both Kelly’s 😂 B and P – your kindness has had me in tears repeatedly and I can never thank either of you enough … but I will try everyday to be there for you or pay it forward as you have shown me how powerful that is. ❤️

I spent most of the day working on these Thank you cards for those in the hospital so I can hopefully leave them behind on Monday when 🤞🤞 I go home 🤞🤞 *

* It is not the end of the world if I don’t go home on Monday, it is imminent, I shan’t be disappointed, I won’t allow myself to get upset if Monday does not become the day … and such forth and so on and forever *

Mother and Father arrived around 6 with my Chow Mein for dinner 🥰 Yes, two nights in a row and what about it? 😂 My challenge was to pile back on your up pounds and Mr Saga’s medical advice to me to eat all the stuff to ensure that happened. He is a big fan of crisps, biscuits and McDonald’s Milkshakes and everything in between and it is heading the right way.

The beginning of the week my weight was 53. 4kg and yesterday 54.8kg – if I ain’t sleeping, I am eating, I am a human hoover and having a wonderful time #AlwaysBringFood 😂

What random advice have you received from your doctor? Or am I right the my Doctor is just better the best Doctor 😂 … If only he was pro smoking 🚬 😂

I ask the nurse for a wheelchair so we can go on an adventure to the vending machine … we wait 45 mins before I ask for more details of the vending machine … pffffft I can walk that far 💪 …

The furthest I have walked is to the lift and back … the vending machine is just out side the lift on ground floor with a sofa beside it. 🤷‍♀️ I feel like I am set up for success. Let’s go kids!

Vera the Vac is not really down for this adventure, her wheels get caught on everything and she likes to spin so the wires get tangled and you are forced to maypole dance around her to untangle yourself. But she isn’t putting up too much of a fuss.

We are undeterred!

The vending machine was broken, bloody typical 😂 so Father took on a solo mission to check around the corner to see if there was one there. He is such a warrior!

From the sofa I spied a door that led to the OUTSIDE world. Mother is rightly nervous, we are heading into uncharted territory but it is an adventure, come along dear! 🤪

I don’t know how long it’s been but just the simple act of standing outside and the breeze on my face ❤️ I was so happy, I did a little happy cry. I legit had tears of joy 🥰

I know this is what I need to finish getting well.

Father returns from his rekkie and he has found a coffee machine, that is not the one. On we go in our adventure, we are hearing rumours of a vending machine on the first floor, so off we go! It is true! We find the vending machine … it has no Coca Cola the world is laughing at me now 😂 … but I do spy a Fanta. So the adventure did end with treasure! All is not lost, it was not the treasure we set out for but we found different treasure and surely that is what life is all about and and Operation Adventure is a success 🥰 🥳

The hospital has been amazing and literally saved my life but this last bit, is down to me and being somewhere I am happy and comfortable and for me that is home.

With all the bloody noise and the people dropping in.

Lisa with Jaxon and Millie coming for lunch and Jaxon somehow ending up playing in his mud kitchen for hours and Cassie running around the garden mostly ignoring him unless she wants him to throw her ball for her. Millie chatting her chat, loves a gossip that kid. Louise calling from Costa, does anyone want anything … Mum and Dad will want a regular coffee but Louise will still try to make them fancy coffee people 😂 Auntie Lorraine will pop in between jobs, probably broken something on her damn phone, Uncle Paul with her on occasion ‘bit of fuss,’ Uncle Owen and Auntie Dawny and their mafia style drive by visits, sometimes it feels like they don’t actually stop the car ☺️ (Papa O extremely vulnerable and needs to keep his risk levels down) …

And even more so, my work family who have been wanting to come up and see me 🥰 They can all come round and drink tea … this calls for a teapot and more Yorkshire Tea!!! 🫖☕️☕️

This is been a very good day. In comparison to this, there have been so many dark days. Days where I cannot see the light. Days where all I can do is give in to the tears and question everything that I wanted for my future, is any of it even possible any more?

So many questions and questions I will not have to face alone because I am being open and saying I am worried about my Mental Health in this most unusual and unprepared of situations.

Interestingly, to me at least is the number of people I know who have reached out to me since seeing my blog and said ‘Me too’ about Crohns or similar IBD. And also the same with Mental Health, I have never hidden the days when my anxiety comes at me in waves. At the beginning of a meeting that I am leading, I may apologise in advance and inform people I am going to do things a little different today because of it and everyone I have come across has been massively supportive and also said ‘Me too’.

I am not one to suffer in silence. Misery loves company 😂 so I will talk about my anxiety and I will talk about my Crohn’s going forward. Hopefully this is a step to normalising these conversations because if we are all fighting our battles alone, surely there is a togetherness in that too.

🌹